The Day You Said Goodbye

" Lord sana po wag niyo sila kukunin hangga't hindi pa ako handa. Pero alam niyo naman po na kahit kelan hindi po ako magiging ready sa araw na iyon"

This is part of my everyday prayer to the Lord. I always pray that He makes me ready for the most painful day of my life.

For the day that I will feel somehow alone again.
For the day that I have to endure too much pain.

Everyday since that moment she left us, I feel the struggle to live and be alive again. To smile and be the normal kind of girl I used to be.
I know behind those silence are blames I can't help but to accept.

Every night as I close my eyes, I try to remember every single details of her last days with us.
How she called my name.
How she complained the pain.
How she slowly lay down on our bed.
How she closed her eyes for the longest time. 
I'm afraid that if I stop thinking of her even for a split of second then I might forget her. I might lose her image in my mind. I might regret the moment that she should have been in my heart. I'm afraid that she will be a stranger to me because everyday she slowly slips into my head.

Never in a millions days I imagined that for a second my life will be like those teleseryes. 

The struggle seeing the person you love inside a room where you are not allowed to enter as long as you want is indescribable. The pain to visualize the woman who bears you, to be lying on a bed hopeless of the situation in unbearable. The frightening sound of cries you hear hoping for a miracle is like an unwanted music to your ears. 

The painful truth that your mother dies just before your eyes. Your mother had her last breath just in front of you. And what kills you is that you were there looking into the machine that keeps her alive. You witnessed how her heart gone into flat rate, how from 160+ heart rate down to 0.


The reality that she gave you life and yet you have no choice but to give up hers. 

Since that day I hated God. I asked Him:
"Lord nagkulang ba ako sa dasal?" but I didn't get an answer.

I asked God to give me time to at least regain my trust and faith in Him.

Not in every single day I didn't asked for my mother's presence in my life again.
I always imagine what would the day be, if she's still with us.

Every corner of what we call home reminds me of her.
It's hard to move on. It's hard to think of the future without her.
It's hard to live the following years of your life with out a woman that you call MOTHER.